' journey.of.life: 2015

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Owning Only One Car


Currently Akmal and I are using only one car.
We are sharing his red Proton Saga.
I returned the Kelisa I've been using since my A Level years to mum, and now my sister is using it for her class.

The plus point, I don't have to pay for car loan.
The minus point (but can also be the plus point), we always have to take turn to use the car.

Say...I work morning shift (until 5pm) but Akmal works long shift (until 10pm), that means I will drive the car home at 5pm and come back to the hospital to fetch Akmal at 10pm. If he finishes his work late (which is usually the case), I will need to wait until he finished his work.

Same goes if I work long shift and he morning.

If we have two cars - one of each (I've always fancied a Honda Jazz :D), I can go home at 5pm and perhaps cook dinner while waiting for dear husband to come home.

But, if we have two cars that means in the morning both of us have to drive off separately.
We wake up at the same time, go down the apartment at the same time but drives off separately and look for a parking space separately. Not only it takes the already limited parking spaces but that will also mean Akmal and I will have less time together.

The journeys to and fro work are the time where we update each other - considering the busy schedule we have as house officers*.
I can't imagine having to drive to work separately.

So maybe...I'll hold off my Honda Jazz for now.
I can't afford it yet, anyway /sweat

- Because life is a test -

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

I am sorry I can't save your baby

 Okay so now I am almost at the end of my 3rd posting; Obstetrics and Gynaecology.

Obstetrics is when women pregnant more than 23 weeks are concerned, while Gynaecology deals with all women (physical) women-health problems, and if their pregnancy is less than 23 weeks old.

Get it?

You know in the movies and dramas where when a woman lost her pregnancy in an accident or something, the doctor will come up to her and say, "I am sorry we lost your baby" - in a solemn, empathic, guilty face?

I am very sorry to say it doesn't happen like that in real life.

Most women I met during my Gynaecology posting are women who have just had a miscarriage.
The foetus they carried just died - like that. Gone.

Most of the time, these women might be pregnant for 8 - 10 weeks (that is 2 months you know) and then they had a PV bleed and when we scanned, there is no foetal heart. The foetus died.
And we simply say, "The foetus doesn't make it" or in Malay, "Baby ni tak jadi"
And we take it scientifically - the sperm and ovum met, fertilised and divided. But the mitosis that happened may have gone wrong, the chromosomes that resulted is not compatible with life and the cells degenerate. That is the most common cause of miscarriages.

But to the woman, the thing that have died are not just cells.
The thing they carried in them were their babies - who they might have been very excited about. Who they might have imagined what gender could it be, how to call the babies, how should the babies call them - Mama? Papa? Daddy ummi abi?

To avoid having to deal with their emotions, I noticed that we tend to shut our emotions away from it. And by "we", I meant doctors.
What do I do if this woman in front of me broke into tears?
I have like 3 other women waiting outside the door, that might have had a miscarriage as well.
Can I afford to tackle this woman's tears? And all the women after this?

So I noticed that what "we" usually do is to say - "the baby doesn't make it"
And let the woman's family deal with her emotions - usually her husband is outside the door as well. We will call the husband in and explain.
We give them an appointment date - to rescan and the foetal heart is still absent, offer her a treatment - to remove the dead cells surgically or medically.

It's all so scientific.
There is no emotion.
But if i were to put emotions in dealing with all my patients - won't it be too tiring for me?
I will be sharing emotions with 20 sad women a day - everyday.

I am sorry your baby died,  there is nothing I can do to save the baby, I know this is hard for you but you have to accept this, you can try again. 

-Because life is a test-

Saturday, 24 October 2015

Officially lost my previous blog

It's official now

I lost my nur-akmar.blogspot.com that I have been using since 2009.
I must blame Google 2-step verification thingy.

I DID NOT forget my username or password.
I simply signed in from my new house (which obviously used a diff IP address), and Google detected me as suspicious, and kept wanting to send the verification code to my phone number (which I do not use anymore).
And the questions they asked me to retrieve the password were absurd!
They did not ask the common security questions like "What is your pet name?" or "What is your mother's maiden name?"

Instead, the questions were like "When did you last able to sign into your account?"
and "What other Google services do you use with this account and when did you start using them?"

Duh, like I can remember.

So yea, my last resort was to bring my laptop to mum's house (that means using my usual device and usual IP address).
And nooooo Google still detected me as suspicious.
Burn you Google.

So I need to start all over again, in this blog.
Now I need to just tweak this blog theme a little more.

-Because life is a test-


Tuesday, 20 October 2015


I’ve been married for 6 months now.

6 months!

And I’ve moved out of my mum’s house into a rented apartment with my husband (even saying “husband” out loud is still weird for me sometimes)

So yea, since I started working 10 months ago, my life turned upside down.
I got so busy with my more-than-80 working hours every week, losing my social life; missing birthdays, weddings and gatherings (not yet funeral, though!)

I was very fortunate that my workplace is near to mum’s place and mum has a maid. So 6 months ago, my clothes and food were catered for.
I woke up to a breakfast (or at least a packed breakfast) and came home to a dinner, with my clothes ironed for me everyday.
I need not do the laundry, my room was vacuumed every week and my off day (only one a week!) can be spent sleeping, without worrying about marketing, cooking or washing.

So you can imagine how worrying it was for me thinking how life would be after the wedding, and the moving out.

6 months fast forward, I am still surviving, well.

I managed to do my laundry.
I cook once in a while.
I iron our clothes every week.
I managed to clean the toilet once a week or so.

My apartment is not full of stacked papers and files, unwashed dishes and piles of unwashed clothes hidden in corners or under the bed.

I don’t know how I did it.

Lots of help from dear husband of course.
And of course too, my mum and maid come by once a month for a few hours to help me with the ironing and floor mopping.
It may also be because I have become a bit more accustomed to this busy house officer life, so I was not as exhausted as when I first started working.

But hey, I still manage it, without going crazy or having a fight with dear husband.
Some supposedly modern feminist might say, why do I put the responsibility of taking care of the household on me?
Well, I was thinking about it too.
Islam has never said the woman of the house is responsible of the house chores.
But why do I feel that the duty is on me?
Well I suppose it is because the society has drilled it upon us.

Thank God, Akmal is far from the male-chauvinist type.
He would be the one putting our groceries into the fridge while I change.
He would be the one folding the clothes while I iron our working attires.
And he would be the one choosing chickens to buy in supermarket :-D

Of course, there were still times when we forgot to throw our garbage in the kitchen, that when both of us got home exhausted from being oncall, the smell of “fermented garbages” welcomed us. We swore to ourselves not to forget throwing the garbage, EVER AGAIN.
And the times where we were so tired to cook that we called pizza for dinner (I so hope restaurants start delivery services for nasi goreng, nasi lemak and those sorts).

We are still learning, and growing up.

-Because life is a test-

Monday, 19 October 2015

First Post


So this is my first post in this new blog, since Google has successfully locked me out of my own 6 year old nur-akmar.blogspot.com :(

I hate the 2-step-verification of Google.

At one point, I could not sign into my account if I do not provide my phone number. And now, I do not have access to that number anymore, hence I could not retrieve the code they sent to me.

And mind you, I DID NOT forget my username or password. I simply logged in from a location I’ve never logged in from before (well, I moved house!)

Hence Google detected me as “suspicious”

It is that verification code that I am stuck at.

Burn you, Google.

Now I have to start all over again.